My mother has a drug problem

Dear Pastor,

I am 18 and I am living with my mother and grandmother. My mother has never held a job. She has always depended on lovers to provide for her.

My grandmother always warned me not to follow in her footsteps. Although my grandmother cannot read very well, she was always hard-working. She considered herself a farmer. My grandmother used to like to take me to bush with her. While we were there, she used to cook yam and cocoa and chicken back. So by the time we went home, I didn't need much to eat. Everything I needed, my grandmother bought for me. Sometimes I did not see my mother for days, and whenever she came home, my grandmother used to tell her that she shouldn't touch me without going to the bathroom and having a shower. Then she would sleep all day.

I am not sure that the man my mother said is my father is really my father. My grandmother said that my mother said that she wasn't sure. I went to school with one of his daughters; she and I were classmates. She never recognised me as her sister. But people always asked me if we were related and I would say yes, so as not to have any discussion with them. I have seven passes. My grandmother still goes to the bush, but she is not as strong. I have a boyfriend and he is like a father to me. Some of my friends call him an old man, but I really love him. My mother knows him and she has become close to him. But he tells me he knows about her, and she does not have a good reputation. I am planning to go back to school next year. This man has a son who is my age and we get along very well.

A few weeks ago, my grandmother was ill and my boyfriend took her to the doctor, paid the bill and filled her prescription. My mother didn't have a cent to give her. I hate to tell you, but my mother has a drinking problem and she is on drugs. She goes to a certain club to carry on as if she is a young girl. Sometimes I don't talk to my mother for days. My grandmother told me that it is better for my boyfriend to come to the house and sleep with me, than for me to go at his house. He told me that I am the only woman in his life, but he used to have many girlfriends. I believe him because he spends a lot of time with me.

This man is 41, but I go everywhere with him, and he is proud to have me by his side. My grandmother told me not to look at his age because he is still a young man. What do you think about my situation? My boyfriend told me that every time he sees my mother, she is always asking him for money. I told him not to give her any.

P.C.

Dear P.C.,

Your mother will always be your mother. Evidently, she has problems. She is suffering from certain addictions.

She needs professional help, but she has to recognise that she has problems. I have met many people who would not seek help because they insist that nothing is wrong with them. Until that person comes to recognise that they have a problem, they will not seek help, even if their closest friends encourage them to do so.

One of my dearest friends is an alcoholic and a gambler. The man is an educated person. I don't have to say a thing to him, but he is always telling me, "I want to stop drinking, I can stop." But he has never stopped. He has spent so much of his money on drinking and gambling. When he is broke he finds his friends, and I happen to be one of them, and he says, "I am so embarrassed to ask you for help." I assure him that he doesn't need to feel embarrassed; I am his friend.

Your mother has not yet come to the place where she sees herself as an embarrassment to you. You need to give thanks for your grandmother, who has done everything possible to help you. I believe that she is happy that you have found a mature man who is in a good position to assist you. I believe that this man loves you. I am glad that he is of good help to your grandmother, also. I hope that this man will not get you pregnant. You are old enough to protect yourself. If I were to tell you not to have sex with him, you would laugh at me, and so I would make myself a fool.

Don't ignore your mother; tell her to seek help for her addiction. Don't keep alcoholic beverages in the house. You must go to church and learn to serve the Lord. Write me again and let me know how you are progressing.

Pastor