Mother doesn’t believe that I’m a virgin

Dear Pastor,

I am 16 and I am living with my mother and stepfather. My mother and stepfather have been together since I was 14.

I do not like him because he has told lies on me. One day he accused me of taking his money. I denied it. My mother did not stand up for me. She searched my bag and she did not see the money. This man said he searched everywhere and the money could not be found. He told my mother that he did not want me in his house because he did not trust me.

I called my father and told him what my stepfather said, and so my father called my mother. She said that nobody came to the house, so I must be the one who took the money. My father told her that if my stepfather put his hand on me, he would not even report him to the police, he would deal with him himself. My mother was very upset and told my father that he can take me out of the house, because he was encouraging me to be disrespectful to my stepfather. When my mother told my stepfather what my father said, he did not say another word to me.

Whenever I go to bed, I lock my door. My mother told me I should not, because I may get ill and she has to come in. I lock the door because I do not trust my stepfather. He lied about the money and he will lie in different ways. I have full breasts. One day my mother bought me a brassiere but it did not fit right. She said that for my age, my breasts shouldn't be so big, and it means that I must have a boyfriend who is playing with me. My mother is sure that I have been having sex, but I have not.

I have a boyfriend, but he has never touched my breasts. He touched my bottom and we kissed, but we never went to bed. I am anxious to leave this place. I know that my mother is only talking, but she doesn't want me to leave. I am doing very well in school. I would love to be a teacher. I see myself becoming a principal. I hate my stepfather, but I love my father very much. He gives me money every week and whatever I want, I can always call and tell him.

When my mother said a man must be playing with my breasts and I told her no, she said that one of these days, she may just search me. I will never allow my mother to search me by pushing her fingers in my vagina; I will never allow that. Sometimes I hate to think that she is my mother and believes in such slackness.

N.T.

Dear N.T.,

You have enough reasons to be very upset, and perhaps I could say to hate your mother.

But instead of hating her, I would say look at your mother as someone who doesn't know better. Your mother does not have much confidence in you. She prefers your stepfather over you. She prefers to believe in him and that is so unfortunate. He could not find his money and immediately accused you of stealing. That was very unfortunate, and instead of your mother standing with you and telling this man that he might have made a mistake, she took his side and called you a thief.

It is unfortunate that your father threatened him, but I can understand why he made such verbal threats. Your mother must be an ignorant or uninformed woman. Just because your breasts are a little larger than what she expected them to be doesn't mean that a man is playing with them. She ought to know better. Some girls who are younger than you have large breasts. What your mother should have said is that when she is going to the store and wants to buy a bra for you, you should accompany her. Then she threatened you that she would search you to find out whether you are having sexual intercourse. How can you respect such a mother?

I wish you well as you study hard; I hope that you keep your goal before you. You have a good father who supports you. You have my prayers.

Pastor