I get aggressive when aroused

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 years old and I recently got engaged to a man who is 27. It started out with me liking him very much, and I can say that my likes have turned to love.

He has done everything to get me to love him. If I disagree with him, I don't argue, I keep quiet. That is how my mother told me to deal with a man. He has asked me why I have decided to stay silent when we have disagreements, and I told him that I prefer to be silent than to say something that could cause a big argument.

My previous boyfriend used to hit me when we had disagreements. There was one occasion that he hit me so hard that his fingerprints were left on my thigh. I told him if it happened again I would walk away from him. He knew I was not joking, but it happened again and so I left.

I then started a relationship with this man, who is much more educated than the other guy. This man went tWo college. My previous boyfriend is a farmer. My father was also a farmer, but he did not beat my mother. I once heard my mother say that my father really hurt her, and it would have been better if he had hit her because what he said to her offended her.

I am of light complexion so if anybody hits me, the prints remain on my body. I don't want to leave my boyfriend. He says he loves me and I don't doubt that he does. However, I am not going to tolerate any abuse from a man. Don't you agree with me?

My boyfriend tells me that I play rough at times, especially when I want sex. This is not the first time a man has complained about what I do to them. My previous boyfriend told me that I put my hands at his throat when I was sexually aroused and was choking him. I was not even aware of that. What would you say caused that behaviour on my part?

W.L.

Dear W.L.,

Some people like to lightly choke each other during love play. Others have gone too far and have caused their partners to struggle for air. As a counsellor, I do not encourage couples to practise this sort of foreplay. I consider it very dangerous. Some persons may not consider it foreplay at all, because they may consider themselves out of control.

On the other hand, some people may like the idea of being choked. They consider it fun. But what kind of fun can a person have if he or she cannot breathe during lovemaking?

Pastor