Cousin took my virginity

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you, but I feel nervous in doing so. I am 21 years old, and I am trying my best to walk uprightly.

When I was 17 years old, I lost my virginity. The man who took it was my second cousin. We were always very close, and one night he was staying at our house and my parents had gone to bed. We were watching television and then we started fooling around. He played with my private part and it felt nice, so I allowed him to continue.

I did not have on a bra, and he began playing with my breasts as well. He then he slipped off his pants, and we had sex. My parents were fast asleep.

After we had sex, I went to the bathroom and then I went to bed. We did not even use protection. The next day I asked him why he had sex with me, and he said he did so because he loves me and he could not control himself.

He spent the next three days at our house, but I made sure to go to bed the same time as my parents. I also locked my door.

My cousin is very bright. He was 21 at the time when we had sex. When I was going to college he used to help me with my assignments. He used to say that he owes me something, so he is paying me back for picking my fruit. He and I have continued to be good friends, but I do not trust him.

I developed a relationship with a man while I was attending college, and I deeply regret doing so. I was not a fool at the time, but I really love this tall and handsome guy. One weekend I went with him to visit his parents. We decided not to return to Kingston right away. He did not tell me that he had a girlfriend, and that he had a one night stand. We had sex and this time, I got caught. I became pregnant, but fortunately for me, I had a miscarriage.

I do not regret having a miscarriage, because when I told the man that he got me pregnant, he told me that he has another woman, so we could not get married. I felt if I had a gun, I would shoot him.

Sometimes I wish that all men would be true to their women, as my father is to my mother. My father is a farmer. He put my sister and me through high school and through college. We did not have to take student loan. My father makes sure that every cent that he earns comes to the house. My mother manages the money. She pays all the bills and saves a portion.

The big problem I am having now is that I have become friendly with a man. I can say that I am in love with him and he is in love with me. I have rededicated my life to God. This guy asked me if I would consider becoming his wife. I told him that I would think about it, but I do not feel that I am worthy to be this man's wife because I have played around.

I lost my virginity to my cousin, and another man got me pregnant. How would I marry someone, who in a couple years will be a minister of the gospel? Whenever I think about it, I tell myself I am not worthy to be a minister's wife, and that is why I am writing to you.

Should I tell this man about my background, and that once I got pregnant and lost the baby? Please tell me how you feel about it.

T

Dear T.,

I will say to you, set your mind at ease. A woman does not have to tell her partner everything about her past. She may do so if she believes that it will help her present relationship.

One of the dangers in telling about your past is that you may turn off the man who loves you, and he may repeat what you told him. Additionally, there is the danger that he may throw in your face, so to speak, if you both have a fuss.

What has happened to you cannot be undone. You cannot regain your virginity.

If you were to tell this man, who loves you and sees you as wife material, that your cousin took your virginity and that you had a miscarriage, how do you think he would react?

Perhaps I am too liberal in my thoughts, and I can hear some people say a woman must say everything because a man should know what he is getting into. I know I am not answering your question with a 'yes' or 'no'. However, I will say to you that it is enough to say to your boyfriend you were sexually active before you met, and leave it there. Tell him that you do not want him to question you about who these men were, and you will not question him how many women he had before he met you.

You should never believe a man will keep mouth, even though he tells you that he will not repeat what you tell him about your past life.

Pastor