Feel as if God has abandoned me

Dear Pastor,

I grew up in the Christian philosophy, but I am gradually losing confidence in it.

My grandmother normally advised me to attend church regularly and I was very respectful because my dad wasn't there to offer me any form of love or guidance. My mom is disabled. She had two of us girls. We are fortunate that we don't have any medical conditions. My mom was raped and it's very natural for Jamaican men not to stand up for their children. Because of her disability, it was highly unlikely that the men would stay with her because of the prejudice and the stereotypes society place on people with disabilities.

People who knew of my situation usually mocked me and it was evident that I was embarrassed most of the time. I didn't have much confidence in myself. But I am struggling with my faith because I can't seem to forget the past. I am currently attending college and my problems are affecting my studies. Sometimes I think I am not worthy to be there. If I wasn't careful when I was growing up, my grandmother's son would've raped me. However, I was physically abused. They are not effectively literate but they knew right from wrong. My uncle even showed me his private part while he was working out. But I was very young and naive, and looking back now, it was wrong. Grandma couldn't control them because they're disrespectful and had bad tempered.

Grandma used to do days work to provide for me. My family is not supportive. They only like to manipulate each other. Now that I am a young adult, I am asking myself how can a good Lord see my struggle and turn a blind eye to it? Sometimes I even ask why my mom had to have a disability. I am mostly depressed and unhappy because there's no closure. I didn't ask for this life, but honestly, I don't want to come off as ungrateful. I have grown to hate men and I do think of becoming a lesbian at times. But I know deep down that it's wrong, and if the people in my community know, they would probably judge me. Honestly, I am interested in hearing your advice because mentally I am not doing well. I am so lost.

A.F.

Dear A.F.,

I thank you for your letter. You have related your story very well. I want to begin my response by giving God thanks for your mother.

As you see it, men took advantage of her. One raped her, but the good Lord gave her grace to overcome her trials. Your grandmother is nothing but a great queen. She has worked hard to support her grandchildren. God will continue to bless her. You have a nasty and good for nothing uncle who was trying to get you to go to bed with him. That is why he was exposing himself to you and showing you his penis.

I want to beg you not to give up on your Christian faith. You are questioning why God allowed you to go through such trials; the Bible says trials make a person stronger in the faith. Look what God has done for you. He has allowed you to pass your examinations and He opened the way for you to go to college. Think of it, many young people today would like to attend college, but the doors are closed on them. You face trials, but now you are attending college. If you pray and read your Bible and keep trusting God, you will pass all your exams and graduate. So please try your best to put God first in your life. Don't allow the past to hinder you from making progress.

You see men as wicked. Indeed there are many who are wicked, but not all of them. So, put away the thought of becoming a lesbian because of what men have done to your mother. You know that lesbianism is not good, but I won't condemn you for thinking that that is the way for you to go. One of these days, God may give you a good man. Ask God to put that desire in your heart and please attend church. Don't ever give up on God or on your studies.

Pastor