My kids think my man is too young

Dear Pastor,

I have a concern. I have been going with a man who is a little younger than me. I am 40 and he has just turned 30. I have three children and he has one.

My children, who are two boys and a girl, don't love this man at all. Two of them told me that they would have preferred to see me with an old man instead of this young guy. Sometimes I think about it, but when I got involved with him I was so lonely. He used to come around and keep my company, and one thing led to the other.

I was the one who brought up sex to him. We were alone one night and we had a couple drinks, and I felt very good. I then started to play with him. I asked him if his 'thing' was not working and he told me to behave myself, but I did not stop until I pulled it out.

Things escalated thereafter.

I don't regret what I did, because that evening I was fully satisfied. My three children were away at a camp, so the man stayed over.

I am not the 'run around' type. I don't move from man to man, although my three children are for two different fathers. I don't consider myself a bad woman.

This man has told my children that he wants me to be his wife. They know his age because he told them. They said that they cannot call him daddy because they have their fathers already.

I am not asking them to call him dad, but I am asking them to have respect for him because he is a good man.

Do you think I am making a mistake by loving this man?

I don't hide my love for him any more. Sometimes when I know he is coming to see me, I stay in my room. The children are normally in the living room watching television, and he comes straight into my room. We try to be quiet in there, but sometimes he is with us until the children are gone to bed. They know what is going on.

Sometimes when he goes home I feel so sad, and although the children are here, I feel very lonely. I would like to hear from you.

B.L

Dear B.L.,

This man is only 10 years your junior, so in my opinion, he is not too young for you. A lot of people say life begins at 40. A famous psychologist has written a book about how women feel when they are in their 40s. Some suffer in silence, while others are much more open about their sex life and are aggressive.

The same can be said for women who have gone through menopause. Many of them become more sexually assertive and are often on the lookout for partners who can meet their emotional and physical needs.

You said your children were away at camp when this man came over and you both shared a few drinks. You used the moment to test his interest in you. I'm using language everyone can understand here. Whether or not he expected you to behave the way you did when he made that comment, you chose to act on your desires. As for what you said you did after that, I won't repeat it here.

But let's be real: what exactly are you asking me to say? That what you did was right? Or that it was wrong?

Your children do not like this man, they think that he is too young and they cannot call him father. If you are going to marry him, let the children give him a title. That is to be decided between the children, the man, and yourself. I can only say that you are not too old for him, but you should not be eager to marry him unless both of you have gone through a series of counselling sessions.

It is important that this man is working, financially stable, and not drowning in debt. He should not be a gambler, a drunkard, or a thief. Most importantly, make sure he is telling you the truth. Some men don't always disclose everything, especially when it comes to children they may have fathered in the past.

Before you commit to marriage, ensure that there are no surprises.

Pastor