My husband does not practise foreplay

Dear Pastor,

Please give me your suggestion. I am 24 and my husband is 30. Everything is going well with us.

We don't have unnecessary arguments, except when it comes to sex. My husband does not practise foreplay. Any time he feels for sex, he jumps on me and expects me to respond. Many times I am not in the mood and I have to tell him to take his time. He responds by saying "Take time for what?" To him, sex is a duty that he has to do and I must comply at all times regardless how I feel. My previous partner used to romance me for a long time and I used to have to beg him to put his penis in me.

One day I made a genuine mistake. My husband was roughing me up and I was still dry. My you know what was not ready for his penis and I asked him, "Why can't you be like 'so and so'?" and that got my husband very upset. He told me if it is that man I still want, I can go to him. I apologised and told him that what I meant was why can't he take time with me and get me in the mood.

I hate to say this to you, but my previous lover used to get me so wet that we did not have to spend a long time doing the act; I was so ready. But my husband, as soon as he jumps on and he discharges in me, he jumps off, turns his back, and snores. Sometimes I have to cry myself to sleep. I was talking to a sex therapist in America who suggested that I buy myself a vibrator and when my husband falls asleep, I can help myself. I told her that I am a Christian and I did not believe in using the vibrator. She assured me that nothing is wrong in using this toy. I know if my husband sees me with a vibrator, he would question why I have it. He may even try to destroy it.

I don't know what you believe about sex toys. What can I do to get my husband to spend time in making love in the bed before we engage in sex? I am eager to hear from you as soon as it is possible. Please get back to me.

D.S.

Dear D.S.,

Please understand that there are many people who do not believe that it is necessary to engage in foreplay before committing themselves into the act of sexual intercourse.

It is not only some men who are reluctant in engaging in foreplay. There are some women who are just like that. I remember counselling an educated woman, and when I say educated, she was the principal of a school. She told me that foreplay is a waste of time. When a man wants to have sex with her, it should just be sex. She did not want any man to play with her body. She was not in this lovemaking business. I know that something was wrong with her thinking because I also remember that she said when a man is inviting her out on a date, he has to buy her a new outfit - either new pants or a new dress. I listened to that woman and I said "Girl, you don't have much sense."

But, back to your husband. I suggest that you should take the initiative at times. After this man has had his shower and comes to bed, you can take the initiative and play with him. You can also encourage him to touch you in certain areas of your body that would turn you on. You may not want to do that every night but there are evenings that you would want your man to make love to you. Since you know that he is brutish, you should take the initiative. If he attempts to insert his penis into you, you can tell him to give you more time.

I know the therapist meant well when she advised you to buy a vibrator. I would suggest to you however, that before you do, discuss that with your husband. Let him know that many times you are not satisfied after engaging in sex with him. I don't think that this man would be such a fool to destroy that sex toy that has helped many couples. There are some men who buy vibrators for their wives, especially if they know that they are going to be away from them for a long period of time.

Pastor