My husband’s brother wants to marry me

Dear Pastor,

I have written to you before and you helped me. I was then a young girl in high school. Now, as you would understand, I am a grown woman.

I got married, but my marriage was not successful. The man I married is from one of the small islands. He did not treat me well. He had lots of girls and his people didn't like Jamaicans.

They were always talking bad things about Jamaicans, so one day I told him that I was going to leave. He did not believe that I would leave him. I told him I was leaving him because he has never stood up for me when his folks criticise Jamaicans. He said they were only jealous of me. I told him that, if he felt that way, he should have said it whenever they spoke unkind words about Jamaica and Jamaicans.

I was able to get a visa to the United States of America and I got married to an American man. This man treated me well and we have three children together. Unfortunately, he died, but his relatives help me with the children.

I know you are going to say shame on me, but I got sexually involved with one of my husband's brothers. We started out as in-laws but our relationship has grown, and the children loved him.

He used to take us everywhere we wanted to go. At school, other parents thought he was the children's father. At one time, I missed my menses and I could swear that I was pregnant. I did not want that to happen because this man is happily married.

I never thought I would have had sex with my husband's brother. I have to remind myself that my husband is dead.

He told me that his wife is suspicious of us because we are too close. He knew that I would not admit that we were having an affair, so he took the risk and told her she could call me and ask me, and so she did. I was quite prepared with my answer. I told her that her husband was nothing but a gentleman to me. She told me I should not allow him to stay so late at my house. I told her that, many times, he is assisting the children with their homework. She believed my story.

To cut a long story, Pastor, our relationship has gone very deep and he is now thinking of doing something crazy. He wants to be open about our relationship and to divorce his wife and marry me.

I told him he is crazy. He said that he is not crazy, but he is in love. He says he does not care what people would say about him. I told him he may not care what people say about him, but I do care what people say about me.

I am asking you, therefore, to please give me your advice.

My mother is still alive. How would I tell her that this man has been taking me to bed since my husband died? She is a good Christian woman. Just by telling her that we have been going to bed may kill her.

Please, give me your advice.

R

Dear R.,

I know a man who was very kind to his sister-in-law. His brother died, and he took care of the family. But the relationship went too far, much too far. He got his sister-in-law pregnant. That shocked everybody.

His mother hated the widow of her son. She blamed her for everything that went wrong.

What I am trying to say, I am well aware that these things do happen. That is the kind of relationship, in my opinion, that should not be allowed between couples. So, without even saying it, you should guess my position.

You told your brother-in-law that he is crazy. He called whatever your relationship with him love. However, that cannot be love. Love desires the highest good of another person.

Remember that you have children, and, as I see it, you and this man are bringing shame on yourself and the children.

I don't have anything else to say because I don't want to condemn you. You know that you have my support.

Pastor