Boyfriend thinks that I am totally innocent

Dear Pastor,

I am 19 and I have a boyfriend. I grew up in the church. My parents were very strict. There were four of us children - two boys and two girls.

The boys had their own room and the girls had their rooms. The boys were older than us girls. My parents used to allow them to go out at nights and as children, our brothers used to tell us what they did with their girlfriends. We were warned not to tell on them.

When I was 16 years old, I had my first kiss with a guy. He hugged me and said that he wanted a French kiss. I did not know what to do, so I stood there looking at him. He put his tongue in my mouth and told me what to do. I liked it. I did not know that my sister, who is younger than I am, was being kissed and fondled by her boyfriend. It was after I told her what my boyfriend did that she admitted that her boyfriend had done more than that. But they did not have sex.

One day we went on a church trip and while we were in the water, my boyfriend fondled me; that was my first experience. I broke up with him because he wanted to have sex with me and I told him no. He also wanted to suck my breasts, but I did not allow him. I met another man and he fell in love with me. This relationship is one year old. He said he cannot resist me. He wants us to get married. My parents agree that we should get married. They say they would rather we got married than for us to do things in the quiet.

I am writing to you because sometimes I have to pretend that I do not know anything about a man. My boyfriend told me that he has had sex a number of times. I told him that I have never had sex. He asked me if I have never kissed a man and I told him no. What would he do to me if he finds out that I have kissed a man and that I liked it?

B.T.

Dear B.T.,

You lied to your boyfriend because you were trying to give him the impression that you were an upright young woman and that you never got involved with any man.

So when this young man asked if you had never kissed a man, you felt that if you had told him the truth, then he would have lost respect for you. That was a mistake you made. But you need not worry; it is not a big mistake and that question might not come up again. It was not a question that had to do about your virginity. Don't fret about that. You told him a lie. Some people may call that a white lie, but we all know that you were trying to tell this man that you were so pure. I repeat, don't worry about that.

You did not go all the way with your first boyfriend. But this man wants to marry you. You are 19 years old. I am sure that your parents would encourage both of you to get premarital counselling. I wish you well as you plan your marriage. You will learn how to deal with your husband and he will learn how to deal with you as you grow older.

Pastor