My daughter doesn’t know her real dad

Dear Pastor,

When I was a young girl, I was living with a man who supported me by farming.

I loved this man, but there was another man who was very influential in the community and he liked me. One day I went to see him to endorse a document. Before he signed it, he told me that he had always loved me. I told him that I had always loved him, too.

Before I was conscious of what I was doing, this man and I were hugging and kissing. He led me into his bedroom and took off my clothes. I remember saying, "Sir, suppose you get me pregnant?" He said "No, don't worry about that. I won't get you pregnant." While having sex, I could feel that he was having an orgasm and I tried to push him off. But I couldn't do it. I never told anybody. I continued living with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I had one child together and when I did not see my menses, I told him that it seemed as if he put another one in. The second month I didn't see my period. Then I realised I was pregnant. I went back to see the other man. He warned me not to call his name, and I told him that I would not say a word. When it was time for me to go to the hospital and I needed a few things, I wrote him a little note and he sent me some money.

My boyfriend thought that he was the one who got me pregnant. When the child was born, I could see that she was not his child. As she grew, the people in the community said that I gave him a 'jacket'. But he never questioned me about that. I was sure he heard what people said. My boyfriend and I got married, and he was happy to have all of us live as a family. My two children went through high school and they were proud of me and their father. Whenever I saw this other man, he looked out for me. My two children went on to university. Both of them accepted my husband as their father. But I have always wondered whether I should tell my daughter the truth about her real dad. Both children love my husband. To them, he is the greatest father in the world. They went to live in America and they used to send us money. They made additions to the house. Then my husband died, and they came back to Jamaica and took care of his funeral.

Months after the funeral, the other man came to my house, and he asked me if I had ever said anything to my husband. I told him no, but I have thought about telling our daughter. He said I should let it remain as it is. I still feel that before I die, I should say something. Do you think that she would hate me for cheating on the man who became my husband? It is still on my mind though many years have passed. I just think that she should know the truth about who her real father is. Please give me your advice.

S.T.

Dear S.T.,

This is a very difficult matter. What happened many years ago between this man and you still bothers you.

I suppose it bothers you even more because you became pregnant, and your boyfriend trusted you and didnt have any reason to believe that you cheated on him. So he took the responsibility of your pregnancy and accepted the child as his own. But you knew in your heart that another man was the father. You probably believe now that you would have peace of mind if you were to tell your daughter who her biological father is.

Peace of mind is something that everyone should enjoy. So I am not prepared to tell you not to tell your daughter the truth, but I caution you that it may cause much unhappiness in her mind for a while. I would not want to know that I would say something to you that would hurt your daughter or hinder you from enjoying peace of mind.

Ask yourself this question: if you were to tell your daughter who her biological father is, would it help the relationship with your other daughter and the relationship you have enjoyed as a family? I am not going to tell you to tell her or not. That is solely in your hands. I wish you well.

Pastor