Cheated on my fiancé with an old lover

Dear Pastor,

I am 31 and I am engaged, but I am feeling guilty because I had an affair with my fiance's friend.

It was a one-night stand. This affair is bothering me, and sometimes I wonder if I should tell my fiance. You see, Pastor, this man I had sex with was an old lover. We all went to the same school and we are all were very close friends.

I had sex with this man when I was 18, but I did not really love him. He took me out and we ended up having sex in his father's car. It happened a second time, eventually, I told him that I was in love with his friend, who is now my fiance. He was so surprised. At that time my fiance was studying in America and when he came on vacation, we got engaged and I promised that I would never go with another man. He promised that he would be faithful to me.

But one Saturday night I felt so lonely that I called this man and told him I could do with some company. I told him that he could buy me some chicken because I had some bills to pay, so I was unable to go to the supermarket. He bought me chicken and rice and rum cream. I never had rum cream before. I should have told him to leave after we ate, but we started watching a movie while drinking. I don't think I have to continue my story. I felt sleepy, and he was all over me. I lost control and we made love on the carpet. He even slept over.

I didn't realise that my fiance was calling me until the following day. He told me he was concerned because he could not reach me. I lied that I was not feeling well, so I turned my phone off and went to bed. He told me that I should never turn off the phone whenever I am not feeling well.

This other man is always telling me that I can't marry my fiance because he was first and I know what he can do. He said that he will tell my fiance what we did and what positions he put me in. I told him he wouldn't dare, and he said to avoid all the fuss we should get back together. I know this man would tell on me because he is desperate for us to become lovers again. I blocked his number, but that made him very mad.

I don't want him to come back to my place because I am engaged, and he has threatened to destroy my relationship with my fiance. So I am wondering whether I should tell my man what happened and ask him to forgive me, before he hears from this man. I want to be free from this man and to have a free conscience.

B.L.

Dear B.L.,

I have read your letter carefully and I am a bit puzzled. You attended school and you became very close with two of the guys.

You had sex with one in his father's car, but you didn't love him. The one you love went abroad and he is still living there. Both of you also became lovers and you are engaged to each other. So why did you have to continue this very close friendship with the other fellow? How could you be so lonely that you had to call him?

Men are not foolish, you know. They know if a girl has an interest in them. They figure out that it is not just food they want; they want to spend time with them in bed. You could have contacted your relatives and borrowed money from them to buy fast food. That would not have been permanent, but instead, you called this man because you still love him. He jumped at the opportunity to come to see you. He brought you food and an alcoholic drink. You set up yourself. If you had set a trap for him, he had a bigger trap. You can't even hold your liquor, so the man was all over you, and he had sex with you and didn't go home that night. You are very careless.

I believe that you were hoping that after that night he would have said goodbye, but he loved what he got. It was nice. So he has decided now that he is going to break up the relationship you have with the other guy. I don't know if this fellow will forgive you if you tell him what you did. It is a big risk to take, but you have to make that decision. I am not going to suggest that you tell your fiance what you did; you are totally on your own on this matter. I do know that this man you had sex with is wicked and is out to embarrass you. So you need to end all friendship with him.

Pastor