My sister can’t control her sex drive

Dear Pastor,

I am 21 and I grew up with my parents and two brothers and a sister. My sister is younger than I am.

She became sexually active long before I did. She was always telling me that she felt for a man, and I used to tell her that she should learn to control herself. We used to sleep on the same bed and she was always playing with her clitoris and shaking up the bed.

I did not know that women scream when they are having a climax. One night I was deep in my sleep and I felt the bed shaking. I heard her scream and I realised that she was masturbating. I told her that I was going to complain to our mother, but she said she did not care. She never stopped. She got a boyfriend, and at the age of 17 she was having sex regularly with him; she told me so.

This guy was much older. He used to pick her up after school, and they had sex in his car. He was living with a woman, but they were not married. I was too shy to have boyfriends; I was always suffering from low self-esteem. This man got her pregnant. She told him that she didn't want a child because she was still going to school. The doctor told her that he could take care of that for her. She did not want our parents to know, but I could not keep that as a secret, so I told my mother, and she told my father. My sister had to tell them the father's identity. My sister told me that I have caused her to hate me, so she would never trust me again.

My father told her to bring the man who got her pregnant. When he came, he admitted that he was having sex with my sister. My father asked him if he couldn't protect her and he never answered. He said he was sorry that she got pregnant. He also admitted that he was living with a woman. I still do not understand why my sister couldn't control her sex drive. My sister did not stop having sex with this man, even after giving birth.

I am now having a relationship with a man, but I am still very shy. I am struggling with a lack of self-esteem, so I am not upfront about anything. I work hard on my job. When I have different tasks to do, I do them, but I cannot take the lead in anything. My boyfriend took me to meet his parents. They are nice people, but he had to coach me and tell me how I should act in their presence.

I am attending college, because my aim is to teach in a high school. I have become sexually active, but it has taken a while for my boyfriend to touch me on certain parts of my body. He lives alone and when he wants to make love to me, I insist that he turn off the lights. He has assured me many times that I have a beautiful body, but I can't see it. My parents used to always warn us girls to keep ourselves chaste. My sister doesn't know what is happening to her, but I have never felt that I had to have sex or masturbate. Please tell me what to do to improve my self-esteem.

W.

Dear W.,

Low self-esteem is not restricted only to girls; some young men suffer from it also.

The matter of young people wanting sex at a tender age is normal. When they get into trouble - like getting pregnant early - some people blame parents. But parents should not always be blamed because some have really tried. Some girls mature early and they talk to their peers who tell them that sex can be very sweet and they are losing out if they do not have sex. Evidently, you did not associate with the girls your sister did. They probably told her what to do to feel better, although she was sleeping on the same bed with you. So she learned to masturbate. When she found a man, taking off her clothes before him was nothing; it was easy for her to strip.

You are equating your inhibitions to your self-esteem, but the two things are not necessarily the same, though they can be similar. You feared being rejected by other people, including your boyfriend. But now that you see that this man has not rejected you, you probably feel better about yourself. I hope that this man will eventually marry you and that you will be a wonderful wife. Your sister made a big mistake by allowing this man to get her pregnant. I hope that he will take care of his child. I wish both of you well.

Pastor