Boyfriend denies that he has a child

Dear Pastor,

I am a 31-year-old woman and I am living with a man who is 35. The relationship started three years ago and it was going well until he took me to spend a weekend with some of his relatives.

I am not the friendliest type, but because I was in his relatives' home, I tried to be very friendly and fit in. They gave us our own bedroom, but we had to share the bathroom and I don't like to share a bathroom. To make matters worse, they were not very tidy. I expected them to clean the shower after using it but they did not. So whenever I went to use the shower and the bath, I had to spend time to clean it. I spoke to my boyfriend about it and I even suggested that we should leave early. He did not agree with me; he said it would look bad, so I should try and tolerate the situation. His brother's wife was very nice to me, and most of the time she and I talked. His mother wanted to know everything about me, but I was careful not to talk a whole lot about myself. His mother is 65. She did most of the cooking including a wicked oxtail.

At one point, I felt a little uncomfortable with my brother-in-law. I have caught him looking at me many times as if he wanted to eat me raw. I asked my boyfriend he looks at me like that, and he told me that there is no law that prevents a man from admiring a woman. He said I was too sensitive and I should just enjoy myself. While I was there, his mother introduced me to a little girl who was just about four and she said that she is my boyfriend's child. I told her that I did not know he had a child. She said that when the child's mother was pregnant and called his name, my boyfriend said he did not get her pregnant, so she supported the girl until she had the baby and she took the baby from her. So my boyfriend has never had anything to do with the child but she thought it was right to introduce me to the child.

My boyfriend was very upset with his mother. I told him he did not need to be upset and I was glad to meet the little girl. I also told him that to set his mind at ease, he should do a DNA test, but he said he is not interested. To make matters worse, I told him I believe that the child is his because if a man is sure of himself, he would not object to a DNA test.

I will not leave my boyfriend if a DNA test shows that he is the father. I do not have children, but it was my decision when I was in another relationship not to become pregnant. I told my boyfriend that before I reach 35, I would like us to have two children. I was told that the little girl is doing well. I will go back to his relatives' house to visit, but I will not stay there. I will do my best to send support for the little girl if the child is really his. I will try to get to know her mother.

Do you think that I have done anything wrong in encouraging this man to do a DNA test? He told me I should keep out of this matter, but I can't see why I should if this man and I are in a relationship and are planning to get married.

V.W.

Dear V.W.,

It seems to me that apart from your disappointment in the way your boyfriend's people kept the bathroom, you enjoyed your visit.

You said that your mother-in-law is a good cook and you mentioned oxtail. If she is so good at that, perhaps she is good at rice and peas and curry goat. The next time you are planning to visit, tell your boyfriend to send some money to them so that your mother-in-law would be able to prepare curry goat. Of course, she should also cook some more oxtail. You don't have to sleep at their house; you and your boyfriend could stay at a guest house.

You have a right to know whether the little girl you met is your boyfriend's child. So although he is upset with you, you should be firm in your suggestion that he should have a paternity test done.

Pastor