Using my boyfriend for his money

Dear Pastor,

I am 20 years old and this is the first time I am writing to you. However, I have been reading your column for a long time. In fact, I started reading your column when I was in my early teens. I grew up with my aunt and you were her favourite pastor. She believed in everything that you said, and she did not go to bed without reading THE STAR. Sometimes she called her friends and discuss your column. She was a good aunt to me. She sent me through high school and I ended up with seven Caribbean Secondary Education Certificate (CSEC) passes.

My aunt got married and migrated, and because she didn't legally adopt me, I could not go with her. Her husband is an American and he filed for her, so she is there with him. She sends stuff for me, but she has never been able to secure a good job.

I got a job at a call centre, but I didn't like it. I met a man who is 40 years old, and that is why I am writing to you. This man is in a position to help me. This man took my virginity. He treats me very well, but to tell you the truth, I am not with him because of love; I am with him because of what I can get. I know it sounds bad to say that, but it is the truth. He is madly in love with me and is even talking about us getting married.

Meanwhile, my aunt has introduced me to another guy. He is related to her husband. He is 25 years old and is doing engineering. We talk almost every day, but this man I am with doesn't know anything about our relationship. My aunt told me I should not say anything to him, because he may do something bad to me.

We live in his own two-bedroom apartment. Recently, he bought me a car, so I do not have to take the bus or taxi to go anywhere. I go to work then come home, and I take care of the place. I make sure he dresses smartly whenever he is going out with his friends. I even clean his shoes every week for him. When he is going to the barber, I go with him. I shave his beard and I cut his nails. We shower together every weekend.

I do not know my father, but my mother is alive and she knows my boyfriend. She came and spent a weekend with us. She is afraid of Kingston, so we had to go all the way to rural Jamaica to pick her up and to take her home. The relationship I am having with this guy to whom my aunt introduced me is getting stronger and stronger. He wants me to come to America, but my aunt has been telling him that the best thing is to come to Jamaica and marry me and file for me.

I don't know how that would work. How will I break this news to my boyfriend? I would rather take the risk and apply for a US visitor's visa and go overseas, because if my American friend comes to Jamaica, my boyfriend is likely to find out, and he may kick me out of the house or stop supporting me.

I am living a good life in his place, so Pastor, I need your advice.

P.

Dear P.,

I believe that you trust me to tell you the truth and that is what I am prepared to do. You speak highly of your aunt who raised you. You have done your best in school and have gained seven CSEC passes, so I say congratulations.

Your aunt got married and is now living with her husband in the USA. I know you miss her, and she would like you to be where she is. Her desire is to help you.

Do not do anything illegal to enter the USA. If the man to whom your aunt has introduced you is in love with you, and you are in love with him, you may get married. But please, do not do any business marriage.

Now, concerning the man with whom you are living. This man has been providing shelter for you and is supporting you very well. However, there is a problem; you do not love him. You are a great pretender. How long are you going to continue this pretence? I do not know, but so far it is working. You give him everything he wants. You get everything that you want from him. You pamper him, but one thing is missing on your part -- love.

The young man abroad is eager to meet with you. He thinks that he should come to Jamaica, but you do not want him to visit you because your man in Jamaica might find out what is going on.

Perhaps you should discuss this matter with your aunt, she might have a suggestion. If this man is coming to Jamaica he should not be here for any long period; certainly no more than a week. This relationship should take a long time to develop. If it comes to the place where both of you should be married, you would have known many things about each other, and he would not have to meet with you face-to-face to get all the information necessary about you.

I don't want to teach you any tricks, and that is why I am suggesting that you tell your aunt for further guidance.

Pastor

Dear Pastor,

I am in my 50s and I am a businesswoman. I am divorced. I have three children; two of them are married and have their children. I live alone. My unmarried son is here, there and everywhere. He told me he is still looking for a wife, but as I see it, he is still playing the field. He is in and out of this house, sometime she is here and sometime she is not here, he is with a girl. But he talks to me every day and I warned him to be careful. He says he is wiser than Solomon. I told him that a woman captured Samson and Samson was strong and smart.

Sometimes I feel very lonely, but most of the guys who talk to me are young, too young for me. And some of the men who like me are too old. I met a man recently at a party and he was struggling to say that he admires me. So I decided to help him out a little by asking him a few questions. I started out by asking him about his health and then I asked him about his finances and then the man asked me why I was asking him about his finances if I am broke, I told him I was not broke and I believe that I could buy him. Then I apologize for asking him whether he is in good shape financially. I figure out that he is not in good shape because a man who is in good shape financially should not be annoyed whenever he is asked if he is in debt.

The man told me later in a telephone conversation that he was wondering whether I was interested in him and wanted to know if he could support me. I don't need his support. My home is fully paid for. I drive a car that is only 3 years old. I have men working under me. This man asked me to meet with him again. I am not sure I want to meet with him because he did not answer some of the questions I asked him and I will have to repeat these questions.

What would a woman my age be doing with a man who doesn't have a solid bank account or solid investments? If he does not have good investments, then I would have to spend my money on him which I am not prepared to do, so while I find myself being lonely at times, I learn to read a lot and watch movies.

L.F

Dear L.F.,

You probably came on too strong with this man. And some men are very conscious that there are women who would come on to them and "rip them off". So these men don't know who to trust. You met this man for the first time, and you probably went too far by asking him about his health and his finances. He was not your friend. You did not know him very much, so I repeat, you went too far.

On the other hand, you probably feel that that is the way you are going to judge a man. You could have asked him about sport, whether he loves football, cricket, tennis or gulf. You could have invited him to accompany you to see a good play, etc. and if you wanted to know whether he is following the money market, you could have skillfully discussed the stock market. But I am afraid; you did not handle this one right.

But, may I suggest that you call this man and invite him out, he is a little cagey, so watch what you say to him.

Pastor

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