No love for wifey after she disrespected my mother

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you for your advice. I am a Jamaican, but I am living in America. My wife is from one of the Caribbean islands, but my two children were born in America.

My wife and I get along well. She says that she is a Christian, but I am not impressed with her type of Christianity. She criticises everybody.

My mother was living with me for five years and after I met this woman and married her, she told me that she did not want to live with an in-law, so my mother went to live with my sister. Because of that, my sister does not talk to my wife, and I cannot forgive my wife for not wanting my mother to stay at the same home with us. She quotes the Bible as to why my mother should not live in the house with her. She said a man should leave his father and mother when he is married and cling to his wife. I take my mother as my responsibility. She raised me and my sister without a father. But my wife cannot see why I have to love my mother with all my heart and soul.

My mother likes to cook for herself, and my wife says it is costing us too much. I told her that it was my money. My sister and I give my mother money to take care of herself. This woman is always in church and she cannot see that it is wrong to hate my mother. She says that she doesn't hate her; she just doesn't want her to live with us.

I am planning to divorce this woman. I cannot live with any woman who does not love my mother. She is the one who brought me into this world and I refuse to abandon her. I have come to the place now where I resent my wife. Many time she shows that she wants me in bed, and I pretend that I am sleeping. Even when I see her naked, I am not turned on. I know what I am doing is not right, but for me, my wife does not come first; my mother comes first in my life.

T.H.

Dear T.H.,

Try your best not to hate your wife. It is true that the Bible says a man should leave his father and mother and be joined with his wife, but that does not mean that a man should abandon his mother.

He is still obligated to love her, especially if she is in need and does not have a husband. The very Bible says that if a woman has needs, and does not have a spouse, her children should support her. From what you have said, your wife is a very selfish woman. Not many Jamaican men would tolerate a spouse who does not love his mother and who wants her out of his house. You have not said that your wife has done this woman anything that is wrong. She likes to cook her own meals and nothing is wrong with that. Jamaican women love to cook. I am sure it is costing your sister and yourself more to take care of your mother. You didn't tell me your mother's age, but I know she is in good health.

I will not encourage you to divorce your wife or to hate her. What I will encourage you to do is to let her know how unhappy she has made you, and that you want the both of you to go and see a family counsellor as soon as possible.

Pastor