Not ready to be a stepmother

Dear Pastor,

I am 22 and I have been dating a man who is 28. He is the father of three children. He was living with his children's mother, but they broke up.

He said she wanted to get married, but she was not wife material. Any little fuss they had, she used obscene language and told him about his mother. He said he hit her twice and she threatened to report him, so he left the house and went back to stay with his grandmother. They went for counselling and the counsellor suggested that they should end their relationship. He took the two boys and she kept the girl.

The first evening we went out, I went home with him. I did not feel comfortable staying at his house. He told me that I should not be afraid, but I did not believe that I should go with a man on our first date. Plus, I didn't know how many women he had taken to his house. The house is clean. I told him that for me to spend any night with him, he had to buy new bed linen. He agreed to do anything to please me.

I like his two boys, but I am not ready to become a mother. So I am not sure I should develop a relationship with this man. I was hoping to find a man who did not have children. His two boys are in prep school. I told him that I would not stay at his house when the boys are there, and he said I would have to get accustomed to them being there because they are his children.

I have been talking to another man who is 25 and who does not have children. I am confused. I don't know what to do. Can you give me some advice?

L.D.

Dear L.D.,

You are not ready for this relationship. You are 22 and the man is 28. He has fathered three children and two of them are living with him.

It was not your desire to be with a man who has children. You have always wished to find a man who doesn't have children and for both of you to start a family. You haven't said whether you love this man. He wanted to have sexual intercourse with you on your first date and you objected to that. But then you came up with foolish reasons. You told him that he would have to have new sheets. So what you were really saying is that he would have made love on those sheets to his previous woman and probably other women. That is so strange. He would have to be a mad man to have dirty sheets on the bed. So you were trying to make excuses. This man is so silly, he has promised to buy new sheets. You could have just said, 'listen, I am not ready to go to bed with you'.

You know that you are not ready to take the responsibility of mothering his two boys. So you should be straightforward and tell this man the truth. You say that there is another fellow who is interested in you. Perhaps that is the man you should consider dating. You do not owe this man who has children any sort of obligation.

A woman should be able to date as many guys she wishes to date. In Jamaica, when a girl goes with a guy a couple of times, the guy feels that she is his woman. But that is nonsense. Going out on a date is an opportunity to get to know each other and to decide whether that person and yourself are compatible. So you do not owe this guy anything. You can tell him that both of you can remain good friends but nothing else.

Remember you are only 22 and you don't have to be in a hurry to settle down with a man. Take your time. Don't lead this man on. If you were to go out with him again, don't go to his house after the date. Use common sense.

Pastor