‘Bun’ caah done! - Why some Jamaican men are choosing side man role

The fear of heartbreak and the humiliation of getting 'bun' have driven many Jamaican men towards taking up less committed roles in women's lives.

Rather than fully investing in a relationship, these men deliberately choose to become 'side men', arrangements that they believe shield their pride, emotions, and even their wallets.

Paul*, a self-proclaimed side man, said his choice to step out of the role of a main partner came after a deeply painful chapter marked by betrayal and bun. A vendor in downtown Kingston, he vowed never to enter another committed relationship after his long-time partner admitted to being unfaithful.

"Mi get bun til mi nuh know myself," Paul admitted, reflecting on the painful chapter of his life.

Though Paul had been unfaithful during their seven-year relationship, he claimed to have stopped once she became pregnant. "Mi decide say mi nah cheat on her again," he said. But she had other plans.

"Is after me settle down, maamz start give me dem wicked. Mi hear about it, ask her and she own up to it, so a from that now mi just scar," he explained.

Social commentator and academic Dr Paul Andrew Bourne says many Jamaican men knowingly enter into "situationships", fully aware they are playing the side role.

"A side man is not a new phenomenon. We just know more now because of social media," Bourne noted. He described the side man as the "good-time" partner -- someone whose role is defined primarily by pleasure.

"Their enjoyment comes mainly from the woman's body; that is their purpose."

Bourne added that women sometimes feel freer sexually with a side man. "They don't have to reserve the 'Christian lady' role. They explore more with the side man, who may end up getting more than the full-time man."

John*, another vendor, said it is safer to know one's place than to be repeatedly hurt.

"Mi never get up say mi want to be a side man. Mi still believe in love and faithfulness," he admitted. "But after getting cheated on over and over, mi just decide to work with the flow."

He recalled waiting years for a woman, who promised her main relationship would soon end -- a promise that never came true.

"From 2018, and all now dem nuh lef'," he said.

For him, betrayal is almost inevitable. "Is only two things sure in life --bun and death. And because mi still living, mi know mi a get bun, so mi just set up myself."

Financial considerations also play a role, Bourne explained. Being a side man often comes with fewer responsibilities.

"It's a cheaper role," he said. "He may take you to a bar or restaurant, but he doesn't have the responsibility of providing for the home or children, even though, in some cases, the side man is the child's father."

Yet the arrangement is not without risk. Bourne warned that emotional attachment can complicate things.

"Men enter knowing they are the side man, but when the sex reaches its peak, they want everything," he said.

"That's where things become risky. You get what you want, then realise it's not really what you want, but by then you're already caught."

* Names changed to protect identity.