Wish I could get my virginity back

Dear Pastor,

I am a 26-year-old female with a dilemma. When I was younger, even up to my early 20s, I had very low self-esteem. In hindsight, I believed I had always felt rejected by my mother, as she did and said things that hurt me growing up. As a result, I grew to not like myself as a person.

My mother always told me that she hated me, and that I was just like my father, who left her. I didn't realise it affected my self-esteem until I became much older. I used to walk with my head down because I didn't have the confidence to face people. I didn't feel attractive as a young lady.

When I got involved with my first boyfriend at 18 years old, I had sex with him two weeks after we met. This is partly because I wanted to fit in with my friends. I wanted to feel wanted. The relationship did not last because I always had a void, and I cheated on him. At the time, my excuse was that I felt he only wanted my body because he would not take me on dates or anything like that. It was always about sex when we met.

After that relationship ended, I moved from guy to guy trying to run away from the pain and void I felt. I truly believe that I loved these men, and I wanted things to work out during each relationship. It was not just about sex for me.

After much heartbreak, I got some time to work on myself during the COVID-19 pandemic. I believe God helped me to deal with many demons that I had. I began to feel as though I had value outside of giving a man sex. I started to have higher standards and wanted more from the men I dated. I no longer desired to simply be an object of sex and I realised that I accepted very poor treatment from my ex-lovers.

This is where my dilemma comes in. A 26 years old I am more mature and I realise that I would love to get married, raise a family and have God as the centre of my life. The issue with that is that I am not a virgin.

I believe that a man should not have my body if he does not value me enough to marry me, and I want to withhold sex until marriage. But, I am tainted. I wish I could go back in time and hug my younger self, give her proper guidance through life, but I can't do that. I have to live with the consequences of my actions.

I have had sex with more men than I would like to admit. Last year, I started dating someone who cheated on me with my friend because he said that my vagina is not tight enough. He said that I have the qualities of a wife but the sex was his only issue. I ended the relationship, and even though I have forgiven them both, it still hurts a little.

Do you think I am hopeless? I would love to get married and raise my children better than I was, but I have messed up my life. What man would want to marry me before having sex? Which good man would take me up, considering I have had multiple sexual partners in my past?

C.

Dear C.,

You are aware that you cannot change your past, but although you are aware of that, you are still putting yourself down. If you were to meet a man and he loves you, he wouldn't want to know how many men you have gone to bed with.

I don't want you to misunderstand me, there are some men who will want to question you about the number of men you had in your life. However, you are not under any obligation to divulge that. If the man genuinely loves you and respects you, he wouldn't want to know these things.

If a man ask whether you are a virgin and you say no, that is good enough. Stop believing that all men are the same. This guy who told you that your vagina is not tight enough was looking for an excuse to move on. If you really have that kind of problem, there are things that you can do to make you tight.

I would suggest that you make an appointment to see a counsellor who would assist you in overcoming your low self-esteem. Put God first in your life and he will help you to overcome whatever problems you are having.

Pastor