Shocked that my husband has an ‘outside’ child

Dear Pastor,

I am a 25-year-old woman. I have been married for two years. My husband was never a very talkative man.

I could say that he is secretive. When I met him, he told me that he did not have any children. One Saturday I was at home and a lady came and said she was the mother of my husband's daughter. She showed me a picture on the phone of my husband, herself and the little girl. I was speechless.

I asked this woman if he was supporting the child and she said some sort of a way. She told me that he had a one-night stand with her, but he didn't want anybody to know when she got pregnant. He did not visit her during her pregnancy, but he gave her $300,000 to prepare for the baby. He told his brother about the child, so his brother used to visit her and give her whatever she needed. But the brother was showing too much interest in her, and even begged her for sex. People thought that the brother was the child's father. She talked to my husband about his brother's behaviour. He spoke to his brother, but he denied that he put questions to her.

I took the lady's number and she left. When my husband came home, I showed him the number and asked him if he knew it and he said yes. I asked him why he did not tell me that he got the woman pregnant. He said that he believed that if he had, I would have left him. This man is very respectable, and he behaves as if he can't talk. I have never known him to be a wild man. He asked me what I was going to do now, and I told him I was going to leave him because he is a deceiver. He then told me that it was a one-night stand and they never had sex again. She admitted that it was a one-night stand, but she loved him.

I will not allow this woman to drag my husband's name to the ground. I told my husband to ask her if we can adopt the child, since we do not have any of our own. When I suggested that to the child's mother, she said that she is not going to give up her child. This woman is 30; three years older than my husband. I would adopt the child. She said after she became pregnant, her father asked her who got her pregnant. She lied and gave him the name of a man that her father knew. But that man is living in Canada with his wife.

Do you think that I should let my parents know the truth? I know I don't have to tell them, because I am a grown woman, but she wants her child to grow up knowing her father and I do not want my husband to be afraid of telling the truth because of the position he holds in society. My husband is well known and he has a very good job. So I am asking you, please, to tell me what to do.

K.L.

Dear K.L.,

Your husband does not have to tell anybody that he has a child with another woman. But he should support the child. Evidently, you have already forgiven him of his infidelity. You are disappointed in him, but you love him. You should see to it that he supports his child. He has tried to do so, but he has gone about it the wrong way. He trusted his brother, but his brother also tried to have an affair with the child's mother.

The mother of this child has class, if I may say so, because she could have got sexually involved with your husband's brother, but she didn't. Let the woman keep her daughter. But as his wife, you should see to it that he supports his child. People make mistakes, and your husband has made a big mistake.

Some years ago, one of my neighbours became sexually involved with a woman and she became pregnant. She had a daughter. This man told one of his sons about the woman and he begged his son not to say anything to his mother. I knew the man very well. You might say that the man is big in society. He purchased a property for his 'sweetheart' and his daughter. His son never said a word to his mother, and the mother of the child never contacted the man's wife.

Now that you know what is going on, I will say to you, be wise. Don't try to make an issue with the woman and her child. Don't give her the impression that you don't want your husband. Assure her that the child will be supported in every way, and that you are not prepared to give up your husband.

Pastor