Babymother got married behind my back

Dear Pastor,

I am 47 and I have been living with a woman for the past three years. I have three children, two boys and a girl, but their mother and I were not getting along, so she secretly got married to another man.

The children attended the wedding but it was after it was done that I found out. This man lives in America and came to Jamaica and married her. She used to work in a hotel and the man was a guest and I hear that is how they met. I felt so hurt. I never thought that she would treat me like that. After I found out and I asked her if she got married, she said no.

The photographer at her wedding told me everything. So I asked the children and they admitted that she got married. But, before that, they told her that she should tell me and she told them that she did not want me to know anything. I told them that none of them could stay in the house because this place belonged to my grandfather. I worked so hard to send them to school and their mother disrespected me and they did not stand up for me. They said 'mother is mother and father is father'. They didn't have anything against me but their mother felt that this man would give her the opportunity to make a better life.

She left my house and went to live with one of her sisters. The children also left about a week later. Then they called me from America. I don't know how they got visas but, when they called, I wished them well. When my daughter called me and asked how I was getting along, I told her a bad word. I have regretted that because she started to cry and she said that she still loves me. I told her I did not need her love. On Father's Day, she sent me greetings but I did not respond.

I have been living with a new woman. She does everything for me but, Pastor, I do not know how to trust again. I can't say she is cheating on me but sometimes when I talk certain things and I curse women, she said she would have preferred if I had slapped her instead of talking about women in that manner. This woman wants me to marry her but I have hardened my heart. Every time I have sex with her, I give her money and tell her that is my payment for her service. She used to take the money but she has stopped. She told me that, if I don't stop calling her a whore, one of these days when I come home, I won't find her at the house. But when I say I don't trust women anymore, I mean it from my heart.

One of my brothers told me that I should learn to treat this new woman very well because she is much better than my children's mother. I look at all women the same; they are wicked. Maybe you can give me some advice to change my mind about women. I am hoping to hear from you soon.

P.L.

Dear P.L.,

The woman with whom you were living became involved with a guest at the hotel where she worked.

You were not aware of that relationship. She kept it as a secret and she secretly planned to marry him. She wanted to go abroad. Her children knew about the relationship but did not tell you. They probably did not tell you because they were fearful that you might have hurt their mother.

When this woman realised that you heard she was married, she should have told you the truth. You were not wrong in telling her that she should leave your house. Out of anger, you told the children to leave also, but they will always be your children. Your daughter has tried to reach out but you have insulted her. I want to beg you to try and forgive them. Reach out to them. You might even have to apologise for the way you reacted to them. Let them know that you were angry with them and tell them that you are quite willing to receive them anytime they return to visit.

I don't agree with the way you are treating the woman with whom you are living. If you continue to abuse her verbally, she will indeed leave you, because she should not be blamed for what your children's mother did to you. So, please, change your attitude towards her. Remember, you are getting older every day. Either settle down with this woman or live alone. Most men your age need a good woman. You may need to meet with a family counsellor. I highly suggest that you do so. I wish you well for 2024. Take good care of yourself and your woman.

Pastor