Fiancé doesn’t want to buy ‘puss in bag’

Dear Pastor,

I am 20 and my fiance and I are planning to get married. He is 23. I grew up in a very strict home.

My fiance is the first serious man I have ever had; he was the first man to touch my private parts. My father taught my sister and I that our husbands were the only ones who should take our virginity.

When I was in my teens, my girlfriends bragged about having sex. I said nothing because I did not have the experience. I was shocked when one of them told us that it was her brother who took her virginity when she was 16. They had visitors and they had to change up the sleeping arrangements in the house. Her brother shared a bed with her that night and he pushed his hands up her night gown and started to fondle her breasts. My friend said it felt nice, so she relaxed and he climbed on her and had sex with her. She realised that she did something wrong especially when she started to bleed. But both of them decided that would be their secret. Some of the girls condemned her and told her that she should have reported the brother to her parents, but she said her father would have killed him. That brother is the one who eventually sent her to school, and today she is doing nursing.

Now Pastor, I will be getting married in January and my fiance told me that while he respects my position of no sex before our wedding day, he cannot hold out any longer. Too many spouses are disappointed with each other after getting married. He does not want to buy 'puss in bag'. So he wants to have the experience of having sex with me before we are married. I am confused and I don't know what to do. I just wonder if we would be committing a sin now that we are engaged and the date is planned and guests have been invited. Crazy thoughts are going through my mind, so both of us have decided to write to you to seek your opinion. This has nothing to do with my parents any more because I am a big girl, but it has to do with my faith, my fiance and I.

I respect you and I have told you everything. I am looking out for your advice.

V.S.

Dear V.S.,

I thank you for the confidence you have expressed in me and I will tell you that many people have talked to me about premarital sex.

They want to know whether it is right or wrong and I can only refer them to what the Bible says. Many folks have said how disappointed they were after getting married and have had difficulties in having sexual intercourse. One lady told me that during her courtship, she did not have sex with her fiance because she knew it was a sin. But on their wedding night, her husband could not penetrate her. I can tell you why, but it is not necessary for me to give the reason here. That marriage was not consummated and she said that she would not listen to any minister who told her in the future that she should not have sexual intercourse with any other man who fell in love with her.

Men tell woman all the time that they do not want to buy 'puss in bag'. I understand, but it would be wrong for me to tell you to go against your own religious conviction and consent to your fiance's request. So please excuse me if I just quote what the Bible says. I know that there are those who are going to condemn me for doing so, but I have to live with my conscience as a Christian counsellor.

I cannot just tell you to go ahead and have sexual intercourse because you and this man are committed to each other. The Bible says premarital sex is wrong and your fiance and you know that to be true. So while some may say there are exceptions to the rules, I cannot go down that path. If your fiance insists that he wants to know whether or not you are a virgin, you can go to the doctor and have him or her give you a letter to give to your fiance to prove that. So he need not have fear of buying a puss in the bag.

Pastor