My man refuses to give me oral sex

Dear Pastor,

I am 21 and I am living with a man. We are in a steady relationship.

I love him very much, but the relationship is in danger because I love him more than he loves me. I know that I love him more because when I talk to him about how I feel, he says that I complain too much. My mother told us girls that we should cherish the men who love us, and they should cherish us. They should love us more than we love them. I have not found that to be true in my case. I would go the extra mile to please this man, but he does not go the extra mile to please me.

If I don't see him all day, when he gets home and I try to hug him, he asks me what I have done and why I am so nice to him today. When it comes to intimacy in bed, I ask him to do certain things, but he does not want to do them. He says that such things are dirty. For example, I told him that I enjoy oral sex, and he said he can't come to the place of doing that. One day I told him that the first man who made love to me did that to me, and the second one did the same. I did not consider that nasty.

My birthday was in August and he took me out, and when we got home, I told him that I needed something that was different from regular sex and he was upset. He said that that wasn't hygienic. I allowed him to have his way and while we were making love, I repeated what I wanted him to do to me and he said I want to have my own way and he is not going to allow me to do that, so we could break up.

Is oral sex nasty? I asked another counsellor and he said it is nasty to those who consider it to be. But for oral sex to be enjoyable, the couple has to want to do it. It is not something that one can push onto the other. This man is 25 years old. He wants me to do it to him, but he doesn't want to do it to me. I told him that by the end of the year, if he does not change, I am going to leave him. Do you think I was wrong to tell him so?

Where in the Bible does it say that oral sex is wrong? Please tell me.

J.

Dear J.,

Every time I am ask this question, I wonder if folks are trying to set me up, and so I go back to what great counsellors have written.

I have quoted what Christian psychologists and Christian counsellors have written on the topic, but I continue to receive communications about this topic. I can only say to you that I do not advocate oral sex, but neither do I condemn it. The Bible does not say anything about it; it is not mentioned even once.

Recently, I read what a doctor wrote about it. He is a well-respected Christian medical doctor and his argument is very simple: "If the couple wants to engage in it, it is up to them." Nevertheless, there are many Christians who would not say a word about it, but they engage in it.

If a man and his wife love each other, they ought not to fight over this matter. A man told me in a counselling session that he suspected his wife was cheating, and was engaging in oral sex with her lover. That marriage broke up because he refused to have oral sex. A young man admitted that he got involved with a young girl and they had oral sex and when he introduced it to his wife, she said no and he left her.

You have given this man an ultimatum; it is not always the best thing for a person to do. But as I see it, you ought not to marry this man if both of you can't agree on how you would handle bedroom business. It would be sad if you broke up with your man over oral sex, but that is likely to happen. So, I suggest that both of you make an appointment to see a Christian counsellor as soon as possible.

Pastor