Husband wants me to accept his sidechick

Dear Pastor,

I am 26 and I grew up poor, but I have done fairly well in school. I went to university and I have a first degree.

I met my husband, who was introduced to me by a family member. He was so charming when we first met. I thought I had met a good man. The relationship started out very well. He told me that he fathered two children and they were living with their mother in the USA. He and the mother couldn't get along because she was not unfaithful. I asked him if he cheated on her and he said no. After they divorced, he had a fling, but he said that meeting me caused him to stop running around.

Unknown to him, I told the relative who introduced us what he said and he said that he didn't know of him having many women, but I should give him a chance. The very first date, this man stripped me naked. I tried to resist him, but he wouldn't let me go. It was as if somebody told him where my weak spots were. That had never happened to me. For one hour, I felt helpless. Even when I felt tired and I told him I was tired, he told me that we should just rest and start all over because he has not had a woman for a long time. I gave this date the best I could. I told myself that he was not abusing me, but I was only feeling helpless because no man had ever made love to me for an hour.

When he ejaculated, it did not take him a minute to fall asleep, and I fell asleep soon after. I was not able to go to work the following day, but he did. Before doing so, he made me breakfast and told me not to answer the landline unless it was from him. My mother tried to call me and I told her that I was alright. Soon after he left, the phone rang; it was him. He said he was only trying to test me to see if I would answer. After work he came home and brought me dinner.

After six months of dating, we got married. I wanted us to do premarital counselling, but he said there was no need. I tried to find out things about him, but he did not want to talk about his broken marriage. I have a friend who is a priest and I told him about my situation. He said that he hoped that this guy was not fooling me, but if I loved him and I believed that he loved me, I should marry him. But I should remember that I was taking a big risk.

I told my mother that the guy proposed and that I wanted to go for counselling. She said counselling is good, but she and my dad did not attend counselling, and they have been married for many years. So we got married. For the short time we have been married, he let me 'have it' and he is very large.

I later found out that he had four children. When I asked him why he lied, he told me he was only sure that two of the children belong to him, but he accepted the others. He also got involved with one of my friends. She told me that he came on to her. He offered her many gifts. She did not refuse him. So we ended our friendship and now he has her as his sidechick. I have cried myself to sleep many nights. He said that where he is from, having a sidechick is nothing for a woman to worry about.

I plan to file for a divorce, but thought I would ask you for your advice.

G.M.

Dear G.M.,

It is unfortunate that this man lied to you. He told you he had only fathered two children. He should have told you the truth.

Concerning your first date, with this man having sex with you, that is a regular thing that some couples do. You say that he was very large, but it was quite evident that you were able to deal with his size.

The young woman who has got involved with him is no friend at all. She told you that he became interested in her but she did not protest. She was in favour of having a relationship with him. He enjoys having a sidechick, but you can't stand having your man sleeping with your friend. You should see a lawyer and divorce him. I wish you well.

Pastor