Husband says he cheated because I turn him off

Dear Pastor,

I am a 40-year-old married woman and my husband and I are having problems. The main one is that he is having a problem getting an erection, and when he does get one, he finds it difficult to maintain it.

The doctor has prescribed certain pills and he has taken them, but he is still not back to the man he used to be. He has become very miserable and hostile to me. He has even accused me of having an affair which I am not guilty of. If I don't get home soon after I leave work, he calls my phone and wants to find out where I am. He tells me it is because he doesn't have much use to me again why I disrespect him.

I was shocked recently when my husband admitted that he made love with another woman and he did not have any problem having an erection. So the problem might be the way I treat him; he is turned off from me. I told him that if I am the problem, I am willing to give him a divorce because I know that I have never had sex with another man. I respect him and myself.

This other woman is in her 20s, and he says that he never had a problem. My husband was bold enough to tell me that it cost him a lot of money, but he paid the girl and she told him that whenever he was ready again, he should just call her. This has hurt me to the bone. I begged him to give me the girl's number, but he refused. I would like to ask her what she did to cause him to come alive because I have tried everything possible.

I never thought that I would be in a situation to talk to a counsellor the way I am talking to you. But I am in need of help. I spoke to a counsellor and I was turned off because she said I was probably to be blamed for my husband's infidelity. She really turned me off, but I should have known better than to contact her because she did not appear to know what she was saying. I have not done anything to turn off my husband. I have tried my best not to demand anything of him and I have tried to stimulate him. I have not put any pressure on him. I have even played romantic music. Nothing is happening so I am fearful that my marriage is on the rocks.

B.C.

Dear B.C.,

Your husband became desperate and he believed what he heard some men say about having one woman and what that woman can cause something to happen to him, so it is good for him to make a change sometimes.

Years ago, a gentleman told me that he was having an affair. This woman had a daughter. He said that this woman, who was his old girlfriend, told him that it was time for her daughter to have sex. She wanted him to take her daughter's virginity and become her daughter's lover as he had been to her. He said that when a man is slow in getting an erection and he gets a new girl, that problem goes away. So when your husband told you that he made love to a girl who is about half his age, he is trying to confirm what so many men have told their friends. It is the wives who are the problem and if the men want to switch to young women, their problems will cease.

Now lady, I want to say, don't believe that you must take the blame for your husband's problem. What your husband needs to know is that the more he fusses is the more his problem will increase. You say that he has seen a doctor and received medication, but he is still having the problem. Did the doctor diagnose him with having diabetes? That can cause impotence; sometimes even ordinary drugs can cause that. Depression, fatigue and alcohol can contribute to impotence. Therefore, I suggest that you accompany your husband to see a urologist and discuss the matter with him. Don't give up on him; please don't.

Pastor