Concerned that my son is sexually active

Dear Pastor,

Greetings to you. I am 45 and married. My husband and I have two children; a boy and a girl. When my husband and I started to have children, we decided that the girl would talk to me about any sexual problems that she was having, and the boy would talk to his father.

I noticed, however, that although my daughter talks to me, she has always been very close to her father. My friends said that that is how girls are. I have to question my daughter all the time about how she feels about boys. She did not volunteer to tell me much.

One day when my daughter was 16, she asked me at what age did her father and I first have sex. I was surprised, so I told her that I did not remember. I wanted to know why she asked. She said that most of her friends who were 16 had had sex already, and they were asking her what she was waiting for. I told her that it was not something she should be in a hurry to do and I left it there.

I spoke to her father, and to my surprise, he told me that our son asked him the same question. He said that he told our son that he was 20 and I was 18, and that he was ready, but I wasn't. I told my husband that that was not something that he should have discussed with him. My husband went further. He bought our son two packs of condoms and told him that if he was ready for sex, he should use them because if he got any girl pregnant, he would have a heavy responsibility on his hand, and we were not ready to support grandchildren.

Well, my son has a girlfriend. She is attending university and she is two years his senior. He brought her to the house and introduced her to us. She is a very pretty girl. She comes from a middle-class family. I went to his drawer and I only saw one condom. So he has been having sex very often with this girl. I told his father to caution him, but his father is making a big joke about it, and reminding me that nobody cautioned us. I know my daughter has not yet started to have sex. My husband bought two more packs of condoms. Do you think that is the right thing for his father to do?

I told my husband he chats too much.

J.S.

Dear J.S.,

Your letter reminds me of a matter I had to deal with some years ago. A dear lady told me that her 14-year-old daughter told her that she wanted to begin to have sex.

She said she went to the pharmacy and bought condoms for her daughter. She said she was not prepared for her daughter to engage in sex and become pregnant. So this teen started to have sex and she became pregnant. She had her first child and then got pregnant again. Soon, she had three children and her mother had to bear the burden of supporting a daughter with three children.

I know that some people would say that the mother was wrong to buy the condoms, because by doing so, she encouraged her daughter to engage in sex. It is not always easy for parents to know what to do when their teenagers are determined to have sex. Perhaps parents should remind their teenagers who are under 16 that men who engage in sex with them could be charged because legally they cannot consent.

Your daughter spoke to you about her desire to have sex, and she wanted you to tell her at what age you started. She was trying to get your consent. So many parents don't openly discuss sex with their children, especially their daughters. Instead they warn them not to bring any "belly" to the house.

Some years ago I knew a woman who had three daughters, and she was always warning them not to get pregnant. One of them did and the woman beat the girl and she lost the pregnancy. That mother is now claiming to be a wonderful Christian. Now that your daughter has spoken to you about sex, you know how she feels; don't ignore her.

Your husband provides the condoms for his son. Perhaps he does so because he knows that your son will have sex with his girlfriend, and his girlfriend might demand sex. You asked me whether it was right to buy the condoms. I will only say, it is not a matter of being right or wrong. It is a matter of using common sense.

Pastor