Dad cut my allowance because I have a boyfriend

Dear Pastor,

From I was a teenager, my parents have always warned me not to associate with certain people. Even my schoolmates used to believe that I was selfish, and that I thought that I was better than them.

I am an only child. I did not have to take the bus to school. If my parents couldn't take me, they used to send me a special taxi. My father was the manager of a company. I had the privilege of going to university, but when I started, the relationship with my father was strained. I met a guy, who invited me to his house. My father was very upset that I went. My father wanted me to explain what went on between us and I refused to answer. I told him that what happened was private and he should not question me like that because I am a grown woman. He became very angry and told me that as long as I was in his house, he had a right to question me. He also said that I should not go back to the guy's house, and I told him that I could not promise him that because we were friends.

My father used to give me $15,000 for pocket money and whenever I needed more to do any extra thing, my mother used to chip in. Since I have been with this guy, my father has cut what he used to give me and told me that since I have a man, he should take care of me. After this guy pays his rent, he does not have much left. So, you see, how can my father claim to love me so much when he does not respect my independence?

I am not a bad girl. My mother is blaming me and telling me that I talk too much, and I was wrong to answer my father the way I did. Why should my father know whether I had sex with my boyfriend? Why should he question me about that?

R.S.

Dear R.S.,

You did not give your age, or your boyfriend's age. But what is clear is that your parents are in good jobs and were able to support you well.

But your father did not seem to recognise that you have grown up. You are not his little girl any more, and you have a right to choose your friends. Not all girls will be comfortable discussing their sex life with their fathers. Every girl would like their father to respect them enough not to question whether they are sexually active or not. I don't mean to imply that some girls will never tell. Some girls do tell their mothers that they are sexually active.

Once, a mother told me that she was very concerned because her 14-year-old daughter told her that she was sexually active, so she wanted to start taking the Pill to protect herself from becoming pregnant. The mother's concern was if she did not allow her to take the Pill and she continued to have sex, she might become pregnant. I pointed out that the man with whom she was having sexual intercourse could get himself into trouble with the law because the age of consent is 16. That woman left my office and was determined to put her daughter on the Pill. I saw the mother a few years later and I asked her how her daughter was doing; the daughter had about two or three children. It is very difficult for parents who live in depressed areas to control their daughters.

You were not from the ghetto and you only became involved with a man while you were attending university, but your father believed that you should have waited until after you graduated. He believes that your male friends should only be of a certain status. I believe he has gone too far. Appeal to your mother to talk to your father. Shame on him for cutting your allowance. However, I hope that you would not depend on this man or any other man to give you enough money to support your lifestyle. It is not too late to apologise to your father by telling him that you feel that you insulted him. Say that you were surprised at his questions.

Pastor