My wife does not like sex

Dear Pastor,

My wife is 30 and I am 35. We have one child together, but I have three children with two different women. When I became a Christian, I decided to settle down.

I told the pastor that it was my desire to become a leader of the church, and he said all leaders should be married and set a good example to others.

There was this single girl who the pastor suggested that I talk to, to see if we could become friends. I started to talk to her and she was anxious for us to become friends. In my church they don't believe in going on dates. They feel that when you go on dates, you may have sex. I started to buy her little gifts, and we spent hours on the phone talking at nights.

After six months, I realised that I had grown to love this girl and we decided to see our pastor. He asked if we were sure that we loved each other and wanted to get married, and we said yes. So we planned a date. This girl did not have much experience with sex, but I was a bad man. She was not a virgin, but she only had sex twice before she met me. We started going for counselling and whenever the pastor mentioned sex, she was quiet. The congregation helped us with our wedding.

We did not have sex before our wedding and I must tell you that looking back, I can see why some men say that they are not buying 'puss in bag'. On our wedding night, I had to force myself on her to get her to open up to me. I succeeded, but then she cried for the rest of the night, and I had to hug her and apologise. The next day I tried again and it was the same thing.

I asked her if I was too big and she said no, but she does not like sex. I got some cream and I anointed her vagina to make it easier for her, but she started crying again. Things improved as the weeks went by, because I decided I would not give up and I wanted to have sex. She stopped crying after I called one of my babymothers and asked her to meet with me for some sex.

I am not enjoying my married life because my wife and I are always fussing over sex. Sometimes I would love for my wife to touch me, but anytime I touch her, she pulls away. I told her that I will talk to the pastor about her problem, but she said she doesn't want him to know our business. So I am turning to you, and I am wondering whether you would meet with us and give us some suggestions.

C.A.

Dear C.A.,

Some women are highly sexual and they would run down their husbands to have sex. I was counselling a couple and they were very open.

The husband said he was unable to keep up with his wife when it came to sex. Even when he was not in the mood, she would demand sex, and sometimes he tried to get away from her. She used to chase him in the house and damage the furniture. He had to yield to her.

I spoke to another man who was about the same age and he had a similar issue with his wife. She would not sleep unless he had sex with her; that is what put her to bed. Your wife, on the other hand, told you that she does not love sex. She did not tell you whether there was some bad experience that she had the first time she had sex with a man, but eventually she said she doesn't like sex.

Sex therapists say that if a woman is under stress, it will affect her sex life, but your wife is not under stress all the time. What you should have done when you realised that she was scared of having sex was to encourage both of you to see a psychologist or trained counsellor. Some women get scared at the sight of a man's penis.

Evidently, this woman relaxed enough for you to get her pregnant. I am happy that at least both of you have a child together, but any man who has to be undergoing the type of stress that you are would be tempted to call another woman and beg her for sex. I am not saying that that is right; I am just saying that a man would be tempted.

Things between you and your wife have improved, but you know that you are not happy when it comes to making love with her. Tell your wife that for the sake of peace between the both of you and for harmonious living and happiness in the bedroom, both of you need professional help. Do so as early as possible. I am not sure that she will want you to get involved with any other woman.

Pastor