Boyfriend treats my child like his own

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 and I have a boyfriend. We have been together for three years. He is very good to me. I have a child, but he is not the father. He took me when I was four months' pregnant.

My babyfather left me, and I couldn't find him. I asked everybody who knew him, but no one had any information. Some even told me that he was a deportee.

I went to my father and wept. He used to be a very hard man when we were growing up. My father is a farmer; we were never short of ground provisions. My mother stayed home. My father did not want her to go out and work. When I got pregnant, my mother said I should do an abortion, but I didn't want to do that to myself. I went to my father and I cried. I told him the truth. My father broke down and cried, too, and that was the first and only time I have seen my father cry.

When I met my present boyfriend, I told my father about him and he said I must bring him to see him. I took him home and that Sunday, my father asked him if he knew for sure what he was doing, and he told my father yes. He was living at his parents' home, but his father gave him a lot and told him he could build a little house on it. My father gave him some help to put up a two-bedroom house, and that is where we are today.

Although he is not the father, he wanted the child to be registered in his name. I have never looked at another man. People say my child resembles him, but that is not true. But he likes to hear that. We are planning to get married. My father is going to give me away, and my older sister will be the maid of honour.

Pastor, I love this man. I went back to school to do practical nursing, now I am in a good job. I respect this man to the max. I still don't know the whereabouts of my son's father. One day I will tell my son the truth. He has never asked about him because he has never heard us discuss about another father. Sometimes I ask my man if he does not want a child of his own, and he says that he has one already, my son. I would like to have a child by him, so we don't use any protection. I would also like to leave Jamaica to further my studies, but I do not want to leave this man. So please, give me your advice.

E.R.

Dear E.R.,

This mysterious man did not want to have anything to do with you after he became aware that he had impregnated you.

Perhaps he gave you wrong information about himself, and he knew it would be almost impossible for you to find him. You are very fortunate that another man found you and has been a tower of strength to you.

Your father evidently tried with you and all his children. When you became pregnant, he broke down and cried. I am glad you did not take the advice of your mother to terminate the pregnancy. She meant well, but you knew that that was not the correct thing to do. However, please, do not hold that against your mother. Your father has stood with you and you are fortunate that he likes the gentleman who fell in love with you, and has taken you as his woman. He, too, seems to have come from a good home. He has built his house on a piece of property given to him by his father.

This man is not harassing you to become pregnant again. He has allowed you to go back to school and now you are a practical nurse. I hope you will go back to school and become a registered nurse.

You do not have to tell your son anything about his biological father right now. The time will come when you will feel comfortable in doing so. Concentrate on giving him a good education. I am glad, also, that his stepfather and you are planning to get married. Don't plan an extravagant wedding. Make sure that the both of you get premarital counselling. Continue to respect this gentleman, and if you need any assistance from me, please contact me again.

Pastor