Side men demand Sunday dinner

The unofficial rules of Jamaica’s side-piece culture may be undergoing a dramatic rewrite, with some cheating women claiming today’s side men are asking for far more than the occasional rendezvous.

One woman in her early 40s who spoke with THE STAR said what was once a straightforward arrangement has become far more demanding, with some side men now wanting time, attention and emotional investment.

“Gone are the days when side man come and sort you out and gone,” lamented Stacy*. “[Nowadays] dem want see you [and] dem want Sunday dinner! No, no, a nuh so it work,” she said, visibly frustrated.

According to psychologist and researcher Dr Paul Andrew Bourne, the Jamaican term ‘side man’ refers to “a man who maintains a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman who has a primary partner, commonly termed a ‘main man’ or husband”.

In his research paper The “Side-Man” in the Jamaican Society: A Socio-Cultural Analysis Of Dual Partnering, Gender Relations, And Community Norms, Bourne noted that such relationships often operate with “varying degrees of secrecy, tacit awareness, or negotiated acceptance among those involved”.

But, according to Stacy, who said she has been both a side chick and a woman with side men, some side partners are now forgetting their role, and, in her view, “doing too much”.

She said many side men now expect treatment normally reserved for a husband.

“Sunday dinner? Washing? Cleaning? Mi can’t wash and cook and clean for two men at one time no, no. You are not supposed to do wife duties. Side man don’t get them something there. You don’t go to his house to wash and clean and it worse if my side man is someone husband or baby father,” she explained.

For Stacy, side relationships are supposed to remain uncomplicated. She insists that it is about “us having fun [and] nothing extra”.

“You are just basically fulfilling a little satisfaction that the main man can either run short on, or he’s not doing any at all. It can be just sexually, or it can be just like other ways like financially,” she said.

She argued that some side partners are blurring the boundaries by developing deep emotional attachments and turning what should be a discreet arrangement into something much more serious.

“As a matter of fact, a side man isn’t somebody you would want to say, ‘I can talk to’. That’s actually being like in a relationship. You don’t develop emotions, like, some serious feelings for your side piece. You don’t do that. It disrupts the family.”

In a previous interview with THE STAR, Bourne warned that emotional attachment often complicates a role traditionally associated with fewer responsibilities.

“It’s a cheaper role, he may take you to a bar or restaurant, but he doesn’t have the responsibility of providing for the home or children.”

However, he noted that once emotions enter the equation, “That’s where things become risky.”

Stacy also believes people are making another major mistake by sharing too much information about their primary partner with a side piece.

“You’re just giving the side an upper hand over your partner. Never ever you and your partner have an issue and you carry it to the side piece. If you want your side piece to clear your head just say I’m having a rough day. Don’t go deep in details. That’s one of the things you don’t do.”

While she believes some side men are demanding too much, Stacy said some side women are becoming increasingly bold.

“If you were his side piece and you feel like you’re winning because you kicked off whose foot is at yard, you’re wrong. Because the same way you get him is the same way you lose him.”

Meanwhile, Chad*, who admitted to having side chicks on multiple occasions, agreed that boundaries are important and warned men to be careful about what they disclose. He, too, believes some side chicks have become more demanding.

“Sometimes they want two gifts, they want a Valentine’s Day gift and a Mother’s Day gift. And if you understand, they can only get one.”

Still, Chad said there is no fixed rulebook when it comes to the financial support a side piece might receive, arguing that it often depends on a man’s means.