This man doesn’t want to propose

Dear Pastor,

I am a 41-year-old woman and I would like to ask your opinion. I was married but my husband passed on. Three years ago, I met a man and we became friends.

We went out a few times, but he mostly comes to my house. My husband and I have one son and he lives in New York.

This man is a Christian and so am I. We discuss everything. I asked him whether he loves me and he said if he didn't, he wouldn't be with me. I told him that I would like to take this relationship to a higher level. He said that I am in too much of a hurry and he does not want us to do anything and regret it. I told him that I do not want his house, but I don't want to play around at my age.

I think that is part of his problem why he does not want to propose to me. He has a lovely house and he has two children. The son is married but his daughter is not. He talks about them all the time. Sometimes when he is here, I catch him staring at me, but he thinks I don't see him. Sometimes when he comes to see me, I do not want him to leave. He said that I am rushing him, but I am not.

Two weeks ago, one of my girlfriends was going away with her husband and her children for a weekend and she invited me and told me that I could take him with me. When I asked him, he said no. But he was also upset because I wanted him to go. He said he is not ready to tell the world about us. But I told him that I am ready to let the world know that I have found a good man.

What is this man hiding? I have my own home and my own car. All I need from him is love. I asked him about how he would live when he gets older. He is now 70. He said I should have no fear. He has some money and he gets his pension. He often says that he is afraid he will not be able to satisfy me. I know I can handle myself. I am getting fed up of talking and letting this man know that I want us to go forward in the relationship. But he is not giving me the answers I am hoping to hear. What should I do?

F.S.

Dear F.S.,

If you push this man too much, he may leave you. You ought to realise that you are almost 30 years younger than this man. So, don't think I am being disrespectful to you, but what do you really want from this man? Evidently, he is not after your body, but what are you after? Sex is not his big concern. Perhaps a younger man would have been very anxious to tell you what you want to hear and even move in with you and you would find yourself supporting him. But this man doesn't have to do that. I am sure that his children have always talked to him about the way he lives. You should realise that this man has slowed down.

It is said that life begins at 40 and women who are in their 40s can be very aggressive when it comes to sex. You are just ready, so to speak. You don't need his money, you say, but you seem to want his body. He is good company to you but you need more. Perhaps you need to tell this man that both of you can go to see a lawyer and agree to do a prenuptial agreement. I am just wondering whether his children know about you and if they do, how they would react to you. Again, I say, don't push yourself on this man. He may get fed up and move on.

Pastor