Pregnant woman loses man to sugar mama

Dear Pastor,

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 30. I grew up in a poor home. My father was a common labourer and my mother used to buy and sell items.

My father worked very hard, but he did not earn much. He has three children. My mother said that he had more, anyhow, my father said it is what the mothers gave him. Although we were poor, my parents took in one of my cousins. She was in a worse state than us. We were the same age, so we grew up as sisters. One day she told me that she had something to tell me, but I should promise that I wouldn’t tell anybody. I promised. She said before she came to live with us, her father’s brother molested her. She was only 12 at the time. I asked her why she did not tell her mother and she said that her uncle warned her that if she talked, he was going to kill all of them. So, she did not want him to carry out his threat. He assaulted her at least three times.

The first time he did it, he did not push his penis fully into her, but he did the second time and she bled a little. He told her to wash off, wash her underwear and put it to dry before her mother came home. He also gave her some money. Her mother did not suspect anything. But when her parents asked my parents whether they would take her, she was happy. Then she asked me if I ever had sex and I told her no. When she was telling me these things, she was 15. I was very surprised to know that this uncle who was considered to be a respectable man in the district molested his niece.

My cousin and I took exams together and we passed; she got five subjects and I got four, but we got into college through scholarships. We were able to room together. We were 18. I was not interested in boys, but she was and she got a much older boyfriend. He was working so he gave her money. I depended on the money my parents were able to send for me. She didn’t hide anything from me. She started to date this guy and when they started to have sex, she told me. I warned her, but she didn’t listen. She eventually got pregnant and had to drop out of college.

When she got pregnant, I asked her about it and I found out that this guy and his mother lived together, but many times the mother is not at home. So, when she told me that he was taking her out, he was taking her to his mother’s place to have sex. But this man had other women and one of them was as old as his mother. Some of the money that he was giving to my cousin was money he got from the older woman.

This man who got her pregnant wants to marry her. She is telling me that she is not ready to be married and the man is still having a relationship with the older woman. She knows that to be true because she has heard them talking on the phone. He told my cousin that she has benefited from the money that this older woman has given to him, so getting married will not change the relationship with this older woman. The woman loves younger men, so his responsibility is to service her and take her money.

I don’t know what to tell my cousin to do, so please give me your advice.

Z.

Dear Z.,

I regret hearing that your relative was sexually abused when she was a child.

She did not report her uncle because he threatened to kill the whole household. He drove fear into her. But your cousin got involved with men even after she had such a cruel experience. She went out with other guys. She did not focus on her schoolwork only; she was going out with this man who had other women. She didn’t stop loving him because he gave her money. He enjoyed having a relationship with an older woman. She was aware of it, but she continued with him.

Now he wants to get married. He believes that he should marry his child’s mother, but your cousin does not believe that she should accept his proposal because he is still having a relationship with this much older woman. But her child’s father has reminded her that she has benefited from the relationship and marrying the woman would not change things. The man has told her the truth. He is saying your cousin would continue to benefit from the relationship he is having with the older woman.

Do not encourage her to get married to this man, however, you should tell her that the decision is solely hers. You don’t want her to blame you in years to come if things go wrong with her and her child’s father.

Pastor