My husband got the helper pregnant

Dear Pastor,

I am in my mid 30s and I am married. My husband and I have three children, but our relationship is not going very well.

It started out well, but he got one of my helpers pregnant. She lied and said the child was not his. She has a boyfriend, but she could not tell me when she got pregnant by her boyfriend.

When I told her she had to leave, she called me a wicked woman. She went back to Clarendon and she told her mother that my husband got her pregnant. My husband never denied it. I told him that I would forgive him but he had to tell me the whole truth.

This girl is 21 but she is very simple. I called her and she explained everything. I asked her why she did not tell me that my husband had approached her for sex and why she did not tell him to use a condom. She said every time she used a condom, it itched her. I was so sorry for her; I bought her everything that she needed to prepare for the baby because her parents are very poor. I demanded the money from my husband. So to keep me quiet, he gave me everything I asked for.

I told him that I would report him at his organisation, and he did not want his superior to know what he did. This girl said she did not want the baby and I spoke to my lawyer and he said that I could adopt the child. I was only willing to do so to protect my marriage. Now that the child is born, the young lady said that she doesn't want to give up her pretty baby.

My husband is of light complexion, so the child has taken his colour. I used to send money for her every two weeks, but I have stopped because it seems to me that she wanted money.

I have found myself hating my husband. He said that he made a mistake and I should forgive him. But I stand before my mirror and I look at myself and I am in good shape; my breasts are not saggy. My tummy is flat. So what more could my husband want?

My husband has not shown any remorse. So I find it difficult to forgive him. I know if I had gone with another man, my husband would have probably killed that man or me. I don't trust my husband any more. If we could adopt the child, I would raise the child as my own. We have three daughters and this baby is a boy. I do not plan to get pregnant again.

How can I stop hating my husband? He is doing his best these days to gain my trust. Anywhere he is going, he tells me that I can come with him. But a bad man will always be a bad man. I want to forgive him, but his babymother has nothing over me. She is not even educated. If he had an affair with an educated woman, I would be upset, but it would be easier to deal with. Please give me your advice.

M.R.

Dear M.R.,

I am sorry to hear that your marriage is in trouble. Infidelity is destroying your marriage. You have offered to adopt the child and your husband agreed, but now the mother is no longer in favour of giving up her child.

You say the young woman is simple, and in your opinion, she doesn't want to give up the child because the money that you send will cease. It is most likely more than that. She has changed her mind after much consideration. Your position is that you would like the children to grow up together. Let us face it, what you are trying to say is that you believe that every cent this man earns should stay in your house and not be shared with another woman. You believe also that he would stay home and not have any excuse for going out to visit his son. Now that the lady has rejected the adoption, the resentment for your husband has grown.

You have had a good look at yourself and you are convinced that nothing is wrong with you; your husband is just a bad man. Your body is in good shape, according to you, so why did your husband go to your helper? It is something that should be discussed with him and a professional, if you intend to forgive your husband and carry on with your marriage. I am sure that you have your faults, but please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that you are the cause why your husband cheated.

You said your husband is really making an effort to please you these days. Both of you, therefore, should meet with a family counsellor for sessions.

Pastor