I am tired of having sex

Dear Pastor,

I am 41 years old and I have been married for 15 years. I have four children. Their father and I were high-school sweethearts and we grew up in the same neighbourhood. My parents didn't like him. They used to call him a barefoot boy. His father travelled overseas on the farmwork programme, and that was the only time things would be bright with him. The more my parents hated him was the more I loved him. He was very bright in school, and from that time I could see that he loved me.

By the time I was 16 years old he had taken my virginity. My mother suspected that I had sex and she said she was going to tell my father that I was having sex, and she wanted him to give me a proper beating. I planned in my mind that if my father should try to beat me, I was going to run away. I told one of my sisters about my plan, and she, in turn, told my mother. I had put a few things in a scandal bag, but my mother changed her mind and did not tell my father.

I passed my exams and my boyfriend passed his exams, too. He started to work when he was 18 years old. I went on to college and I have never had another man in my life. He has had other girls and I used to quarrel about it, but we never broke up over it. We had two children before we got married. The problem that I am having now is that I am tired of having sex. Sometimes I don't feel for sex and my husband believes that I have another man, but I don't have another man, and I have never cheated on him. Sometimes I feel tired but that is not the reason why I don't want to have sex. I am just turned off from sex. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I have had too much of it.

There was a time my husband and I would have sex two and three times for the night. Sometimes we had sex during the days and then at nights. My husband is now a Christian and he does not run around. I can swear for him. Whenever I resist him, he tells me that it is because I know that he has stopped having other women, and that is why I am carrying on like this. But my body doesn't feel for sex all the time. I am wondering if you can give me some advice.

V.

Dear V.,

I am happy to know that you are married and that you do not have the desire for any other man but your husband. Your parents wasted their time by trying to get you to leave this man when you were a teenager. The love that both of you have for each other is very strong, even to this day.

Your problem is that you are tired of having sex. I can tell you that you are fortunate that your husband is now a Christian and he does not cheat on you anymore. Perhaps you are under stress and stress can cause a woman to be turned off. Stress can affect a person in many different ways and sex is one of them. If you are under stress you may find that you may have very little interest in sex, so you should seek the help of a doctor and explain your situation to him or her.

You will be surprised to know that sex can relieve stress. Some people who are stressed will smoke or drink. I am not suggesting that you take up any of these habits. Try to finish your household chores and set time for your husband. Get a massage every week if you can afford it, or let your husband learn to massage you. You will find that when you are relaxed and very comfortable, the desire for lovemaking will return.

When last have you gone for a weekend with your husband? Perhaps you cannot afford an expensive hotel, but you can check out a place where both of you can be alone and find time to relax and play games with each other. Think about going to see a doctor as well. I wish you all the best.

Pastor