I messed up, badly!

October 21, 2020

Dear Pastor

I'm 25 years old and my girlfriend is 30. We have a beautiful three-year-old daughter who is so smart, just like her mom. When we met, I lied to her about my age as she was very mature, and I knew she would never give me the time of day. She wasn't happy that I lied. Then she had trust issues with me.

She grew up with her grandmother, so she was full of good standards. Plus, she is very beautiful. She is a nurse. I dropped out of school, so I didn't have any subjects, but I gained certifications through short courses while in the tourism industry.

This woman is very productive, she spent her money and sent me back to school. We moved from the country to Kingston and stayed at my relatives' place that was unoccupied. She did that for me. I was out of a job for almost two years and this woman took care of everything without complaining. I was getting into arguments with her, as I believed that a man should pull his weight. I even signed up to work on a garbage truck.

My mother was embarrassed when she found out I did that, because according to her, that's too low for me. She brought me up quite well. I was a rebellious child, so I had only myself to blame. This woman saw my discomfort and bought a car that I used as a taxi in a company. I started feeling like I was worthless because this woman was 'minding' me. I dropped out of the school and so her money was wasted. She never got angry at me, but when things calmed down, she told me she wasn't pleased.

In the past, I got with women because I was considered very handsome and I am of light complexion. I used to hate when females refer to me as cute. When this woman got pregnant I turned on her, as I thought she was doing all that to have a hold on me. I accused her of getting pregnant on purpose. At one point in an argument, I told her that she took prenatal vitamins instead of birth control. I could see she was hurt, but she forgave me and we moved on.

I got a job and started flirting with females, as they were there in abundance. I never cheated, as whenever I made plans to do so, I felt guilty because she is really a good woman. But I felt trapped, and once I started talking to a female and my girlfriend found out. I accused her of searching my phone, but even after changing my password, she would still know. That frustrated me even more. How did she keep finding out?

Hurtful Words

After a while, my ex-girlfriend started messaging me, and one day I went to get her from work to drop her home. I made passes at her and she recorded that and threw it in my girlfriend's face, as she thought my girlfriend was the reason why I didn't want to get back with her. My girlfriend and I had an argument and I told her that she got pregnant for show and that I regretted meeting her. I referred to her as 'mom' and said that I didn't know that when I got in the relationship I signed a prison document. I told her that she trapped me by having the child and that if I could disappear, I would. I told her that all my money had to be spent on diapers and formula when I could be having fun.

I even told my ex-girlfriend that the baby was a mistake and she recorded that and sent it to my girlfriend, too. This caused her to pack and disappear for two weeks. My ex-girlfriend and I never had sex since I've been with my girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend is very vain and mischievous, but I realised that too late.

I went to counselling and had the pastor call my girlfriend to beg for me. We went over all the issues that we both had with each other and solutions. Now, we are back together and things are going well. I love her and our daughter more than I have ever loved anyone. I want to get married, but she is terrified that when things get rough I will want out. She thinks I'm going to curse her and blame her for trapping me in a marriage.

I'm getting the chance to go and make life overseas better for us and I really would want to marry her to show that I'm not going anywhere. She said I should go up there before we get married to see what life is like there, and if I still want to marry her when I come back, then so be it. I was wondering why a woman would willingly send her man to a foreign country.

I found a letter that she wrote, where she said that based on the things I blamed her for, she is not expecting to hear back from me after I fly out. And that she is willing to count her losses and move on. Pastor, this letter broke my heart and I finally understood the power of my words and how they have broken her. I said things out of anger when I was broke and had a child to take care of while money was scarce.

I have no intentions of ditching her and my daughter. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. She made me into who I am. I honestly don't know what I would've done without her. When my family gave up on me, she stood by me and we both rose out of it together. She literally clothed me, fed me and put a roof over my head. I appreciate that, but it seems I'm a little too late in appreciating her. I hope other men learn to appreciate their good women before it's too late.

B.S.

Dear B.S.,

If this woman was so good to you and you treated her poorly, why should she take the risk of marrying you? You insulted her when she got pregnant, over and over. You have used silly excuses for your infidelity. You think highly of yourself because you say you are good-looking; you are talking nothing but rubbish.

The truth is, you do not respect this woman. On a whole, you don't respect women. You just want to use them because it does something to your ego. This woman should not marry you; you are not a good man. I hope that she will have the courage to stand firm.

I hope you will show her my response to your letter. She shouldn't be living with you. There isn't anything good about you. She wouldn't be losing anything by not marrying you.

Pastor

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